Summer! Movie! Preview!

I know - it's only March! But the summer movie season apparently starts at the beginning of May these days, so you'd better get ready for yet more science fiction, a couple of action sequels, and the usual run of cookie-cutter comedies. Is it just me, or does this year's slate look worse than usual?

The Incredible Hulk - I actually liked Ang Lee's version, and think it's silly that a "revision" is being made only 5 years later. The cast is like a roll call of "where the hell have you been?" - Edward Norton, Tim Roth, Liv Tyler and Tim Blake Nelson. The trailer and Louis Leterrier's pedigree give me some hope for a good action film, on the condition that Norton puts his massive ego aside long enough for it to be released on time. Norton angry! Norton not feel artistic vision is served! Norton demand final cut!

Speed Racer - Nothing about this project interests me. I never watched the cartoon, and the Wachowskis haven't made a watchable movie since the original Matrix. The trailer is epilepsy-inducing, and I feel like it'll be a 90-minute version of the highway chase in Matrix Reloaded. Pass.

Wanted - I have NEVER seen a plot description that long on the Apple trailers site. Angelina + James McAvoy = Pretty, but the the preview made me laugh in a very unkind manner. However, that does not mean I won't watch it. But probably not in the theater. And hasn't Jolie made this film at least three times already?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - No. Nonononono. And by no, I mean yes, I will watch it against my own better judgment. Because who doesn't want to see Cate Blanchett in Tom Cruise's Valkyrie getup? Honestly, that's about all that passes muster for me here. Harrison Ford is old and drunk, Shia LaBeouf is overexposed, and aliens? Really, Steven? Aliens? AGAIN?

The Happening - HAHAHAHAHA! Someone gave Shyamalan money to make another movie! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I never thought I'd say this, but Mark Wahlberg could do better - even when totally and completely miscast as a junior/high school science teacher. I don't think he's necessarily a bad actor, but most kittens have more gravitas than he does.

The Midnight Meat Train - Finally! A straight-out horror film! And finally! Someone cast Bradley Cooper in a leading role! Looks like some potentially solid b-movie action. I'm there. Plus, the same director made the totally insane Versus, the movie where zombie samurai fight zombie yakuza. For two hours. Straight. No, really - that's all that happens. It's awesome.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - It's only been a week, and I'm already hating the "viral"-style advertisements for this. And though I like Kristen Bell, the Apatow comedies are really wearing on me.

You Don't Mess With the Zohan - Oh. My. God.

Sex and the City - Yeah, I watched the show. I even watch the reruns sometimes. It's kind of like a really big horse tranquilizer for my overworked brain, especially seeing that at 29 years old, I seemingly have my shit together better than a bunch of wealthy women a decade+ older than I am. All of this is to say that going to a movie theater and paying money for 90+ minutes of what I believe a Television Without Pity writer once called the adventures of a badly-dressed shrieker-monkey . . . kind of defeats the purpose. No doubt I will watch it one day when I'm really hung over and have run out of bad action films at the video store, and no doubt that it will end up being the film equivalent of eating an entire bag of those really awesome El Ranchero tortilla chips together with a sub-par bottle of red wine. Which I would not recommend doing, by the way.

Hancock - Will Smith continues his Independence Day barrage on American movie theaters, but the buzz surrounding this one is terrible. Could it be? Has the mighty one finally stumbled? Is Hancock the first flop of Smith's career? And will no one give Jason Bateman anything worthwhile to do?

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army - Yes, please. Bring on the supernatural forces of good and evil! And Ron Perlman!

Mamma Mia! - If I had to choose between this, Zohan, or death . . . wow, I don't even know how to finish that sentence.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - I thought the first film was pretty meh, despite the lovely presence of James McAvoy and the awesomeness of Tilda Swinton. Neither plays a big role or indeed any role at all in the second film. Removing the few actors of presence from the cast and adding yet another virtual unknown as Caspian doesn't bode well.

The Dark Knight - I thought the casting of Heath Ledger as the Joker was a misstep until I saw the first trailer. I can't remember the last time a preview was all it took for me to completely reverse my desire to see a particular film, but the Joker-centric one for Dark Knight did the trick.

Get Smart - I'm starting to feel about Steve Carell the same way that I do about Apatow comedies - that he's entirely overexposed right now. But Terrence Stamp? Alan Arkin? The Rock? Yay! I love it when the three of them do comedy, particularly Stamp, as it's such a rare treat. However, I am not buoyed by the fact that this is directed by the man responsible for multiple sub-par Adam Sandler films AND The Nutty Professor 2.