Doomsday (USA/UK)

Well. Okay. So Scotland is infected with a terrible, terrible virus and shut off from the world for 25 years. Good riddance, you say? Unfortunately, deadly viruses don’t know how to stay put all that well, and a crack team lead by a one-eyed Scotswoman has to go in to find a cure. But what do they find instead? Why, cannibalistic mutant ravers fighting a cast straight out of your local Medieval Times. Of course.

This is truly insane shit, some sort of maniacal English wish fulfillment in action. Like this is what Scotland would still be like if the English hadn’t come in to shape the place up all those centuries ago. And it’s terrible. I know, I know, with that subtle a plot, how could this movie possibly fail? Spectacularly, I say. I was impressed by The Descent - what the hell happened to Neil Marshall? Even Malcolm McDowell can’t save this show. And have I previously mentioned my love for Malcolm McDowell?

By the way, it’s good to know that even after a horrible virus wipes out pretty much all of mankind and turns the remainder into crazed, feral monsters, there will still be a ready supply of Manic Panic on hand.