Summer's Coming!

(AKA - I watched an hour of movie trailers so that you don't have to.)

Live Free or Die Hard – Some people can do without Die Hard with a Vengeance. I don’t happen to be one of them, but that’s beside the point. The fourth installment has disaster written all over it – an annoying young sidekick (why are they letting Mac Guy do movies?), a right wing wet dream of a terrorism plot, twelve years since the last installment, and that fucking awful title to boot. And it’s directed by a guy who’s done nothing but Underworld movies? Uh-oh.

Sunshine – Despite a plot that gives every indication of being The Core – In Outer Space!, I’m excited to see what Danny Boyle will do with a big SF budget and the ultimate hot young cast of the summer.

Transformers – The effects are bound to be cool, but . . . why is this being made? Does the world really need Michael Bay’s live-action vision of a 1980’s cartoon about shape-shifting robots? Wait. I think the real question is, does the world really need Michael Bay? The last thing he directed that was even remotely watchable was The Rock, and without the kitsch factor of the animation format, the Autobot/Decepticon vendetta is going to be laughable at best. But I'm sure things will blow up real good.

Spider-Man 3 – What’s to say? It’s probably going to be pretty good, just like the first two, and make a boatload of money, just like the first two. I am glad that Topher Grace has joined the cast, though. Honestly, that’s all I’ve got. Moving along . . .

Evan Almighty – I confess that I still haven’t seen Bruce Almighty, as both Jim Carrey and high-concept studio comedies give me hives. I love Steve Carell, but do I want to see an hour and a half of Steve Carell hitting himself with a hammer and screaming at people? Meh.

Knocked Up - Everyone’s praising this as the second coming of comedy. I see no immediate reason to doubt, but I can’t feel myself getting terribly excited about it, either. Then again, I was a late convert to The 40-Year-Old Virgin, so perhaps I’m just not the target audience. Or maybe it's just that Katherine Heigl bugs.

Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix – I’ll admit, even though none of the movies have been as much fun as the books, I’m still such a silly fangirl. Broom flights in mid-London! Eee!

Ocean’s 13 – Al Pacino? Are you fucking kidding me?

Black Sheep – I’m kind of speechless right now. I . . . wow. I’m so excited. Murderous genetically mutated sheep? And . . . zombies? I love New Zealand.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer – Amid the bounty of summer sequels, I think this is the one that the least number of people were asking for. I’ll admit that the first movie was somewhat enjoyable, and it’s always nice to see Michael Chiklis (even when you can’t really see Michael Chiklis), but they had better be strategic about their release date, because I can’t see a single reason why someone would choose to see this over any of the other summer action blockbusters. They can’t even bank on the Chris Evans factor, since he’s in Sunshine, too. Then again, I’m probably forgetting about all of the people who enjoy seeing Jessica Alba in lycra. But can you forge an entire demographic from them?

The Simpsons Movie – I still can’t quite believe that this was finally made. It’s going to make an ungodly amount of money. All I hope is that it’s funny, and that I don’t have to see it amid an audience of screaming children. And that there's a lot of Moe.

Talk To Me – I’m so glad that Chiwetel Ejiofor is crossing over from the British indie scene, even if it’s still terribly embarrassing when I try to tell people how awesome he is, since I still can’t pronounce his name. In any case, I know nothing about the background story, but Don Cheadle looks fantastic, so I’m there.

Mr. Brooks - Who the hell said that it was okay for Kevin Costner to start making movies again? When William Hurt is the most prestigious name attached to a project (Dane Cook? Seriously?), and his character is actually just a figment of someone's imagination, then there are a couple of Hollywood producers who need to go into high-concept 12-step right away.

There’s no Pirates trailer up yet, but do we really need one? It’s going to be nearly three hours long, have approximately a dozen plot threads fighting for dominance, give Johnny Depp another opportunity to mince around like a deranged git, and I am going to bring a big bottle of rum to the theater and enjoy every damn minute of it.